Anal Bandit

Date’s Nickname: Anal Bandit

Age: 28

Occupation: Bio Chemist

How we met: Bumble. Initiated plans to “grab coffee” after a few days of messaging.

Where we went: Inversion Coffee

What I ate: 2 Americano’s with Soy

Total Cost Estimate: $10

Prior Expectations: Sorry, but I’m not into coffee dates.  Sorry again, but I’m not into android users. How are we supposed to group message if your text messages are GREEN??? We’re not. Strike One. Strike Two. My expectations are low.

Date Diary: *I will start off by saying… I left this date with ONE thing on my mind. During our date, Anal Bandit tells me a horrific story about how one of his friends in college was anally raped. They reported the incident to the Police, who could not do anything about it because you can’t disprove consent. Instead, his friends made t-shirts that read “Anal Bandit” and wore them at the scene of the crime to prevent further altercations. This is truly an awful thing that happened, BUT WHY did you tell me this on our first date??? The only thing I thought about all day was your “Anal Bandit” story. Strike Three.*

Anal Bandit is sitting outside on the front patio waiting for me to arrive. We hug before walking inside. First Thoughts: Tall. Fit. Put together. Digging his style. *This is why I hate coffee dates… We walk up to the counter, and I order an Americano. I ONLY order an Americano because Anal Bandit asked to get coffee. I’m hungry and it’s 9:00 am on a Saturday. I regret not ordering a breakfast taco. Next time, I’m ordering a damn taco even if you don’t want me to.* Anal Bandit pays for our coffee.

Anal Bandit initiates a conversation about dating apps (here we go again…). *Before I started No Pay May, I’d never been on an date using online apps. By date 25, I feel numb to dating apps.  It seems like it’s “okay” for men to meet and message a bunch of girls, BUT not okay when I (a girl) meet and message a bunch of guys. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?* Anal Bandit shares a few stories about his experiences meeting up with women through dating apps. Anal Bandit has bad luck with the women of the internet (except me, of course. wait, never mind. I’m a weird dating blogger). His first mistake is meeting girls from Okay Cupid. That app is a sketchy POS. After he shares these stories, I understand why he meets women for coffee. But like I said, normal women don’t use dating apps. Actually they do, but not Okay Cupid.

Because I’m a fun girl, Anal Bandit asks if I want a second coffee. See… if you committed to something more than a coffee date, you could spend more time with me. I’m hesitant but agree to stay for another coffee. When Anal Bandit returns with our second coffees’, I ask him why he invites women out for coffee. Long story short, it’s cheap and quick for him. For some reason I take offense to this. When did it become “okay” for men to treat women like they’re quick and easy? Don’t get me wrong, women are letting men do these things. Women are agreeing to meet boys off the internet for drinks or coffee. Women are agreeing to meet up with boys late at night. Women are making it SO EASY for men these days. No wonder why they don’t need to work hard… women are doing all the work for them.

We stayed at Inversion coffee for over an hour. Anal Bandit asks what my plans are for the rest of the day. He says, “I don’t have anything planned if you want to do something later.” I respond with, “Sure, let me know. I’m flexible with my schedule.” I automatically get the feeling that I’ll have to text him if I want to “do something.” Sorry, it’s against my rules to initiate a second date. Anal Bandit, if you want to see me again, you’ll have to initiate another quick and easy meet up.

Takeaways: Why? Why? Why? Anal Bandit is a great guy, truly. I would like to go on another date. But why is it up to me if I want to see you again? Did you not initiate the coffee date and pay for my coffee? If you’re a man that believes in gender roles, fill your gender role. I’m not going to ask you out. BE A MAN.

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